Traveling For Idiots 101

In honor of the holidays, and especially some of the busiest travel days of the year, I bring to you: Traveling for Idiots 101.

So you’re getting ready to travel, either on vacation for business or just for shits and giggles. You were probably smart and booked your trip yourself, through Kayak.com, cheaptickets.com, or panhandling in front of a nice white-cloth table restaurant. Not that it matters, but you even checked in online, alerting the airline that you will be attending their half-assed attempt to make the miracle of flight seem nothing like the 1st or maybe 2nd circle of Hell that you will actually experience.

Seeing as how getting a ride to the airport is roughly one step easier than getting help moving, you will still have to persuade your friends or family over dental appointments, filing taxes and visiting the in-laws; just remember this when the tables are turned. No, offering beer is probably not the best idea; DUI's are not fun for anyone.

Parking always and only is in your favor when you could really give two flying-fucks, so you should be prepared to scour for a spot. Usually the only open parking spot will be somewhere between the Lost Arc of the Covenant and the Back to the Future Delorean (which is going to come in handy to make your flight on time). Also, Sherpas and comfortable hiking attire should also be worn for your trek to the nearest shuttle to your terminal.

Even though you checked in online, you still have to drop bags (because the additional $30-80 was too good to give up on adding to your trip costs) or at the very least, print your boarding pass. You will saunter up to the airline you decided to gamble with this particular trip, where your greeted with 40 other travelers, 6 of which may actually know what they're doing, and how to act when standing in the roped off line. Do not, I repeat DO NOT try and bypass any sort of Nylon strap that is designed to herd you towards your point-B destination within this airport. Should you decided to bypass this nylon strap; you will come across as a trouble maker and a security hazard. Security will be called and you will be invaded more than your Thanksgiving Turkey.

Now despite the general public’s personal dependency on computers and their use, the “Self Check In” screens seem to be as confusing as Sarah Palin. Inserting a Credit Card (and someone’s hilarious joke to further freak out the Conspiracy Theorists and the Paranoid) to bring up your personal information (your name, cause God forbid it could actually find your itinerary) somehow is totally beyond everyone that has now entered the airport, even though a prompter is verbally, visually and has the directions written on the screen for you to follow. You watch as the 2 Airline Representatives train the 28 Half-tards that are trying to figure out the "Self-Check In”. This is altogether even more frustrating and confusing, because you can see 26 of these passengers holding their printed boarding pass from home. Just remember to calm down and breathe, they’ll be the people sitting next to you on your plane (unless there’s a screaming child, then you can bank of being paired up with that little bundle of joy)

Now that you’re checked in (presumably) you have to pass the obstacle course that is Security Screening. Thanks to our constant state of condiment related Terrorist Level Threats, you have to pass a series of obstacles: The 1^st TSA Agent, the X-Ray Metal Detectors, the 20yd dash with the Soapy Tire Swing (don’t slow down, or you’ll end up in the piranha river) and if you’re one of the lucky selected few, the Air Blaster.

Let’s quickly side track and ponder this course. Namely, let’s discuss the Air Blaster machine. What the fuck is this thing? You stand on the feet prints painted on the ground and look at the Light-Brite diagrams like the gas station car wash. Then, just like the car wash, you are blasted with a rapid succession of air blasts. Do the air blasts turn your anthrax into a blue bubble, therefore outing you and your diabolic mission? Or, is this the TSA’s way of saying, you’ve got some bad dandruff and they want to help you spit game, and perhaps join the Mile High Club, even though that’s a felony. Either way, I’m pretty sure our taxes went towards a giant, useless hand dryer that airport employees laugh at every time they have to use.

Anyway, now that you are about to embark on the journey that is Security,  you now have to find the one entrance amongst the 300 people that may or may not be traveling, but are sending each other off (apparently the travelers figured out how to bribe their friends or family appropriately) and decided that the entrance to the line is the best possible location to stand and cutesy talk and pass along Grandma’s secret recipe to her mind blowing Brussels Sprout Casserole.

Once you make your way into and through some of the switch backing nylon ropes, you will flash your ID and boarding pass to the TSA agent responsible for: Making sure that you have a boarding pass and an ID. Take note, this TSA Agent does not particularly care where you are going, who you are, or even if your ID will match up with the name on your Boarding Pass, so do make sure you are in the correct location, and have the correct documents. This next part gets confusing, but it's really easy.

Security Screening has now been color coded like a Ski Slope, in an attempt to clear up the congestion. These colors are as follows: Green, Blue and Black. They even have pictures of the travelers in the big Green circle, Blue Square and Black Diamond. If you don't know what this all means, you're a "Green" traveler, and need to get the hell out of the way. Not to worry, you’ll fit right in with all the other confused numb-nuts. Also, TSA will hold your hand and walk you through everything. This will not be friendly though, so try to learn this process quickly. For quick pointers, look at the pictures.

Did you bring multiple "Carry-on" bags? Do you have kids your traveling with? Is this your 1st time on one of these new confounded flying-machines? If you answered yes to any of these, you’re GREEN.

Maybe you left the kids with the neighborhood nanny (the Playstation 3 and money for "food"), but you still have a briefcase with your computer, memoirs, iPods, blueprints for that flying car you're designing, the Declaration of Independence and a Flux Capacitor. Also, you have a purse and your traveling parka, the one that you use to smuggle half the buffet back home with you when you dine out. Needless to say, you're going to fill some buckets with your shit. Because you are sending a small department store through, Security is going to still have to riffle through all of your shit, and that will leave you trying to figure out how to repack everything just past the X-Ray machine (because moving to the end of the belt, where no one is standing or waiting for their carry-on to bypass your shit, would be outlandish). If this is you, you're BLUE.

Now, maybe you are experienced. You only travel with your Carry-on (no checked baggage). You know that your computer has to be in its own bin (as well as any large electronic, and no, your vibrator doesn’t count). You know the liquid standards and rules, and have already complied. Essentially, you know your shit. You, in theory,  should be able to (if no one was in front of you to fuck this up) walk up to the table, slide your shoes through, followed by your computer (if brought) followed by your bag (which has any useless metal from your pockets already stored in it), as they go through the X-Ray, you walk through the detector, your passed through, you grab your shoes, your computer and your bag, and step into your shoes as you walk away stuffing the computer back in the bag; point blank, in that order, and in roughly that amount of time. You have left no congestion, you are out of the way, and Cinnabun is now welcoming you into the terminal with open arms; kind of like a sticker after the Doctors Office. If this is you, you may proceed to the BLACK line.

If you get in the wrong line, you have now forfeited your rights to your spot in line. While you are unpacking and loading your 5 bins, those of us with our shit together will be stepping in front of you, and will be waiting for our 2nd drink by the time you get done with this.

Now for as bad as the nylon cattle guards are, the benefit is that you don't have to maneuver around everyone with their "Carry-on" luggage. Yes, there is a difference between Carry-on and "Carry-on". Carry-on is a piece of luggage that someone with half common sense has brought with them for their travels. This is typically a satchel, backpack, or bag slung over their shoulder. This is a bag that, while may be a bit awkward, they still have control over and rarely gets in the way of anyone else within an 8 foot radius of them.

"Carry-on" is that over packed mini-suitcase on wheels. It's too heavy for that person to carry (or they're too lazy), and they will drag it around them throughout the halls. The fun part with these is that while the suitcase is barely thicker than their left leg, they will proceed to drag it like a drunken fool roughly 6 feet away from them, in a zig-zag formation that has a less recognizable pattern to it that pi. These people will run over you with this 49.8lb suitcase, block you from getting to the bathroom to piss out that Grande Venti Latte you thought was a good idea before flying, then they will run you into walls and over the railings. Don't be one of these people.

These are the same people that cause the rush at the door for boarding. Because of them, you have to get on as soon as you can, to store your carry-on in the overhead storage to give yourself, or at least your right foot, space to stretch out in your seat. It's not that everyone is really that excited to get on board, and sit in that cramped spot for the next ungodly amount of time, it's just that none of us can handle sharing those 4 square inches of space with our luggage as well.

What kind of flyer are you? Do you pass out upon the door being closed? Can you sit still and not have to get up for hours on end? If yes, then you should have 1st rights to the window. If you're going to be up and down, fidgeting nonstop, dealing with your squirrel bladder, walking your dog up and down the aisle, birthing your 3rd and 4th children (1 and 2 are sitting next to you, because I'm sure that no child can kick the back of my seat with that kind of succession), then perhaps you should be on the aisle seat (since Greyhound apparently wasn't an option this trip).

Typically someone with their sunglasses on and earphones in probably does not want to discuss with you the pleasures of golf in the great state of Oklahoma. Nor, does anyone really want help with the project they’re working on next to you. For all you know, this project could be how to eradicate annoyances, such as nosy people next to you on an airplane. Some people may have literally been partying all night, and/or maybe dancing in their underwear for work. Others may be preparing for the wedding they're part of upon landing, either way, don't wake them, or interrupt them. Let them be.

Debarking from the plane is almost as much fun. It seems that as soon as the plane lands people are already trying to bust out of the giant soda can. That "ding" that alerts everyone they may now take off their safety, also has a Pavlovian effect, causing everyone to stand immediately. Why? You're in seat 128Q, you will not be going anywhere for a while. Let's be honest too, you now have that Morning Wood thing going on too. Cabin pressure, the hum of the engines, maybe the bunny rabbit on that other planes tail, something did that to most of the men on the plane; yet they're all rushing to stand up and salute the rest of our travelers. Don't believe me, look around or ask around if you'd rather not stare.

Despite the fact that now all but one (one) airline is charging for your checked baggage, there still is no guarantee that your bags arrived with you. There's the irony, more lost baggage, yet more money for them. Weird, isn't it?

Now, I'm not sure where you grew up, or who raised you, but I'm pretty sure that most of us were put though some common manners training. Elevators and the Baggage carousel are two of the things that now baffle me. The carousel is roughly 1/2 a mile long. The bags come out of 1 or maybe, maybe 2 birthing canals. Hope you packed accordingly, cause this is where your bags are mistreated, and tousled around (i.e. that bottle of wine may now be your only color you're wearing this trip). Everyone insists on waiting at the Canal. It's quite comical; they all have to be right up front, pushing the elderly and handicapped out of the way, yet 10 feet away, there's more than enough room and you can even maneuver your luggage out of the airport from that point easier. Stand back people, watch for your bag, it's coming. Hopefully.

I know that we all have cell phones. We are eliminating home phones and landlines in our personal lives for this modern "convenience". "I'm boarding", "We landed", "It's a girl"; these are ok conversations to have in the airport amongst the mass confusion that is airport traveling. However, for fucks-sake, choose your conversation and location appropriately. If you’re dealing a larger merger, just make sure that the hostile negotiations are done in a calm collective manner, at the airport. Your loud, boisterous conversations are scary, and don’t need to involve the 30 of us standing around you. You’d just look at us funny if we tried to chime in anyways. Don't rile the kids waiting to board, the TSA, or the Buddhist Monks with your anger and attitude on the phone. This does not bode well for traveling with anyone. This will get you strip searched.

At the same time, there are children present; you do not need to start having phone sex with your girlfriend or boyfriend, or soccer coach while eating at Burger King. This of course can be overridden when you’re traveling with US Airways, and have been redirected to 3 additional airports over the course of 36 hours, thus delaying the inevitable reuniting with said person upon arrival at your destination. Thank you US Airways.

Also, when traveling, most of us will also incur a layover throughout the travel day. This can quite often be a blessing in disguise. Yes, you are not going straight from Ft. Lauderdale to Denver without a layover in Phoenix, but you're also not stuck in the tube next to the smelly kid anymore either. You get to stretch your legs. However, if you've had a couple drinks to also calm your nerves, I highly suggest that you do not chose this time to call up the airline that you are currently traveling with to argue the conditions of their arrangements. You should not especially threaten to "Bury the Airline" while on said phone call. This makes you look like a dangerous super-villan, and are again, further subject to being detained, searched, and held from reaching your destination. Wait until you're in the safety of your own home to begin a war against your airline of choice. It's a good thing.

I will wrap up today's lesson with a quick synopsis of the rules to follow when traveling. This is for your own good.

1- Pack accordingly. Your carry on should be just that, and just what you need. Leave the pictures from your living room at home, the Nintendo Wii, and your Flux Capacitor in Checked bags, or at home.

2- Security Lines are Color Coded to speed up, and smooth out the lines. If you don't know what these mean, you go in the Green line dumbass.

3- The lines are like a highway, keep moving with traffic, and fill in the gaps. Unless you're from LA, then rush it like... nothing. No one in LA will know what to do regardless.

4- If you insist on rolling your luggage through the terminal, keep it close to you, and walk in a straight line. Follow the floor tiles half-tard.

5- If you brought your kids, pack NyQuil, sleeping pills, or whiskey for them. Please, this is for all of humanity.

6- I don't know what to tell you about your phone, either way I'm going to have to listen to you laugh about your fantasy dentist league, while your baby-talking your dad, and pretending like you have a set of balls for your employees.

7- Commit to your seat on the plane. Trade it like you did with your '89 NY Mets Topps cards if you have to, just stay out of the way of the people next to you.

Think about it, it's kind of like that ass-hole you hooked up with in college. Their motto: "Get in, get off, get out". Don't pussy-foot around.

See ya at dinner.