Dating with Dummies

I have recently been asked about my dating history, a lot. I have a lot of trouble actually defining my history, as I feel that Dating has in fact become a thing of unreasonable complexity and conundrums.

How do you define Dating when you also have "going steady", "non-exclusive", "engaged", "open-relationship", "in a relationship", "it's complicated", "going out", "booty call" and any other explicative that you can think of that also coincides with any form of dating that you can think of. In the Gay world, it seems to be even more liberal (go figure) and open than just about any where else.

Secret Revelation Number 1: I have only ever made a 1st move 3 times in my life. Once when I was 9. Once when I was 16. Once when I was 26.

But, what does it mean by "1st move"? To me, it was that approached, and tried to initiate a romantic relationship with someone. When I was 9, this did not mean that I threw my grapes or a paper airplane at my crush, but rather that I had asked them out. You may remember this as our juvenile "Do you want to go out with me?" Not that it meant anything in any sort of future romantic life you may have, but perhaps you tried to move your desks closer to one another, held hands on the play ground, and didn't make fun of each other or their friends in public anymore.

When I was 26, this had been an attempted date between a crush of mine, that I felt was mutual. Apparently I was wrong. She thought I was gay. Again, go figure.

But, when I was 16, and I had an extra cheesiness to my ideas of what a romantic relationship should be between 2 people, and how you were supposed to approach the subject, I went all out. I had been working as a lifeguard, and was constantly surrounded my high school girls. I had heard about what was sweet, endearing and the best ways to ask a girl out, to a dance or anything of the like. My expectations had been put on astronomical levels and the bar for doing so was now held as such level if I were to ever propose amongst those girls, I would literally have to move mountains and realign the stars. No joke.

As for the girl when I was 16, she was a fellow lifeguard. We had been working together for over a year, and had grown pretty close to one another. We flirted quite a bit, but my lack of a car and the different high schools we attended mixed with my pride and expectations of what a "Man" is and does in a relationship had held be back from attempting to pursue this girl for some time. Finally, at the A-League Swim Finals, where I was on my school's team, and she was the Team Manager of hers, I had coerced her friends into helping me break into her car, filling it with trivial objects and a ridiculous (now, then sweet and romantic) poem asking her out. She had said yes. I was able to show my face to my school, and to work in front of our peers, thankfully.

But, what did this mean? We went to different schools. We were in different grade, she a senior to my junior. We lived in entirely different counties, not even bordering one another. I was without a car and rode my bicycle everywhere. Everywhere. Her Geo Metro (Pregnant Roller skate) couldn't hold the 2 of us, much less my bike too. I'd offered to throw her on my handlebars, but that didn't go over too well. So, we saw each other at the pool every day. She was Head Guard and made the Chair Schedule. So, I always followed her from chair to chair as per our schedule. I would be on "Rove" when she was posted, and vice versa. This allowed us to be semi social while doing our jobs. We talked on the phone late at night while working on homework. We went in a large group to a Battle of the Bands competition. Real "going out" type of stuff.

The only semi-romantic things that you could have considered us as having been "going out" was that one time I had ridden my bicycle to her school for lunch, having picked up Burger King on the way, and had lunch with her and her friends. We never kissed. We never went anywhere that could have actually constituted a date. We never actually did anything more than what we had before I had vandalized her car that night at the swim competition. This made it really hard for me to ever really count her as my 1st girlfriend.

So, much to my surprise, a couple years ago, a mutual friend of ours had come to my restaurant and had informed me of our mutual friend, something we had discovered via the powers that are Facebook. Apparently my "ex" had informed my friend of our romantic tryst and history, much to my surprise. How does this constitute a relationship? It was nothing.

At another point in my life, I had been working in a mall at a cell phone store, and had started hanging out with one of the Subway girls. We started hanging out at parties, which led to sleeping with one another. In Greeley, this is really how it happens. The "I'll pick you up at 7, let's go grab dinner and then we'll try throwing pottery" or similar type dates 90% of the time just don't happen. Subway and I are also seeing a couple other people, which we keep from one another, but at the same time, we know all about. Small towns are great like that. Over the months, we ween off the others, leaving just the 2 of us together, every night even. I have an apartment, but I'm always at hers. She uses the "L" word in one discussion that was a little too emotional for either of us at the time. Over the course of the next 2 years, we move all over the northern half of Colorado, and I almost move to Kansas City for and with her. But, the funny thing is that even though we were together, exclusively for 75% of the relationship, we were never actually "together". We may have lived together, seemingly, but we were never officially any sort of romantic item. I was literally labels "He's not the boyfriend. He's a little more than the milkman. But he's definitely NOT the boyfriend."

Secret Revelation Number 2: I have been on (what I would count) 5 dates in my life.

How do you count and constitute a "date"? I'm not talking about how you constitute that you are dating someone, but just he actual activity that makes it a date? I refuse to ever call the "dinner and a movie" as a date. You do not get to really know a person by eating and then sitting in silence for a couple hours. Just as going to dinner with someone isn't necessarily a date either.

When I think of a "date", I mean the entire situation at hand. One of us had initiated the event enough time prior to the said event for you to fully primp yourself for impressing the other with romantic intentions. Yes, this means that the date can be initiated as early as 2 hours prior to the date itself. Usually, the date is also acknowledged with a familiar line such as "I'll pick you up at..." or "Pick me up at..." Yes, there are many many fine lines that have now been addressed, because we have all said this to plutonic friends, family, business partners and other people that we'd pay more money for them and there to never be any romantic involvement with.

My dates also always require an activity of sorts that will reveal true character. My dates were at an art museum, meandering the streets of the city we were in, on a sail boat and on the ski slopes. The city meandering happened twice. This allows for someone to come a little out of their element, or at least it's an activity that you have to communicate with one another while partaking in. I'm fine with going to dinner, lunch, cooking for one another or better yet, with one another. But, at least with all of these, you know that you were there pursuing a potential romantic involvement with one another.

I have been on several "situations" or events and activities that could have been interpreted as dates. They could have even been with someone that I was involved with, or became involved with. But, going out and doing something of the sort, because we were already hanging out together, or because we were waiting on mutual friends, or any other situation that puts you and your activity partner in the situation that can be constituted as a date, by coincidental or convenient reasons, to me, does not make that a date. I have had full relationships that we never actually went on a date. I've had relationships that we seemingly dated all the time. I've been accused of having relationships because we went out so frequently in apparent situations that could have been interpreted as a date, even though we never had any sort of romantic interaction between each other. This is where some of it all gets blurry.

I would not consider that I have dated anyone since 2008. Even then, it's only because I went on 1 date with a person. I saw a lot of people that year. I slept with a lot of people that year. But, actually counting "dating", I would say that I haven't dated since then.

Secret Revelation Number 3: I have only had 2 actual "Ex"es.

Part of my ambiguity to defining my sexuality, also in lies with the fact that I have a hard time even defining when I've had a relationship worth "counting". I put the counting in parenthesis for the simple reason that there is a whole other novel to write about what you count, versus what you disregard. I had a girlfriend, that I lost my virginity to in high school. I had a girlfriend when I was 26/27. These were actual relationships where we were both on the same page as to what we were, and had official titles. These are the only 2 that I count as my Girlfriends.

But, that's not to say that I didn't have other relationships. I had several relationships over the years. For me, a long term relationship lasted over a month. Most of my relationships lasted only 2 weeks. Yes, this is an average. Just because it was a relationship, doesn't mean that we had to be labeled. I labeled it when they did. I labeled it as "involved" "seeing" and "dating" that particular person. Sometimes I was "seeing" several at one time. We had never had the exclusive discussion, and we were very casual about everything else, so why would I not pursue someone whom I also found intriguing. Remember, I didn't make the first move. That's not to say that I didn't say "No" ever either. I've definitely said my fair share of "No" as well.

By all of these sorts of conundrums and experiences, I still don't know where anything lies when it comes to the dating game. I've been on several "dates" as you may call it with men. I haven't actually been on a date in over 2 1/2 years at this point either. I by no means am abstinent, but also I wouldn't say that I'm very promiscuous either. All of these come into personal interpretations of what one is over the other.

When I say that I've been in a few serious relationships, that may just mean that the emotions that were shared between the 2 of us were so intense that it was very real and heart wrenching. When I say Heart Wrenching, I do mean that the relationship, whether 2 1/2 years, or 3 weeks, had so many emotions that were all new and heavy to you, that you felt so much more of it with your whole self, than just what you feel sometimes with fling, or a quick nothing date/relationship.

When I say that we're dating, it may or may not actually include the actual act of dating. It could just be that we're having fun, with what were doing, which is a little more than hanging out with a buddy, but not really a relationship. Sometimes this isn't a whole lot more than a booty-call. Sometimes it's pretty much a full on relationship. Fine lines. Fine lines, people.

I don't do One-Night-Stands, just as I don't just hook up. I may sleep with you upon 1st meeting, but that could be because you and I both know and feel the chemistry between the 2 of us. I won't just hook up because I'm horny, and you're offering at the time. If I know that I don't want to see you in the morning, or ever again, publicly, I'm not going to waste either of our times.

But, I do ask, is there a way that we can simplify all of this. I think it could be pretty easy. Though, this could just all be because I'm a little Commitment-phobic as well.

See ya out there