Going for the Gold!

I may be a man, but I don't really follow sports. Or at least, not the traditional ones that most Guys-guy's will follow.

I understand baseball, but couldn't name a player outside of the 90's Blake Street Bomber's on the Colorado Rockies, and a handful of various "legends" of my childhood. Though, that list now seems more like the resident roster at some penitentiary.

Basketball I loved, not that I watched in on TV, outside of the 1992 Olympic Dream Team. The team that was made up of Michael Jordan (prior 2 retires, and when he was THE number 23), Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, etc. The ones that went on to leave legends, and rule the world with other Fast Food Commercials, like "Nothing but net."

Football. Ok, I think I may get football. Not really though. I am from Denver. I will always root for the Broncos. Not that I'll watch football, I don't understand it, other than "Touchdown" and "Field goal". But, so help me, let my donkey's play, and I'll be happy. Is Elway still on the team? Elway is a football player right?

No, my sports, that I follow-ish, are the Olympics. I'm really too competitive to actually play a team sport. You're not supposed to be better than your team mates, unless they're individual sports teams, like swimming, cycling, running, skiing, skating, snowboarding, gymnastics, etc.

Usually the drama is kept to a minimum. The competition runs high, but the sportsmanship is in a class all on its own. You don't see fights and shit talk going on between elite athletes at the World Games. Ok, short of Tanya Harding's little freak show, there usually isn't too much. Usually, all of the competitors gracefully take to the ring, and dutifully do their best, before wishing their opponent well. Of course in their mind their hoping for downfall, tragedy, maiming and anything else that could eliminate any other opposer to besting them. But outwardly, elite athletes kill each other with kindness.

Of course lately, with the shattering of records constantly, as we keep testing our athletes for any sort of "performance enhancing drug". I understand this, and hope that the athletes are setting all of the examples that they can, to push themselves naturally and responsibly to be the best in their realm. They are setting this example through their chivalry towards one another, I could only hope that transpires to all aspects of their game. I will admit, I don't think nor count pot as anything the committee's should be even thinking about. But, fuck Phelps, keep it off camera!

Now, I was quite invested in the summer olympics a few years ago. I watched Phelps take every gold medal he earned in 2008. I refused to leave the bar when he was up for his last medal that year. I'll never forget, blowing off my family to move on, because I refused to be in the car during the event. The bar, dead silent, and collectively holding their breaths with Phelps as he swam. Swimming. My sport of choice. Have you ever been to a swim meet? Yeah, no one watches swimming, except for that week.

 The summer games are typically more my events. I have been a swimmer my whole life, and I wanted to be the Mark Spitz. Only I can't Butterfly to save my life. I lived on my bicycle through most of my life as well, hence my first tattoo being a mountain cyclist. Hell, I even found myself watching Speed Walking at 4am during the 2008 games.

But, this year, these games, it seems like something is going on. I don't know if the games were tarnished and cursed by the unfortunate passing of the Luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili. I don't know if we're just more aware of it for the exaggerated and exponential growth of information available to us by every possible means out there. I can't tell if people are trying to beat the uploading of cell phone postings to Facebook, Twitter, their blogs, TMZ, Adam4Adam, cutekittens.com or what, but it seems that this year there's a lot more going on than just the games.

You've had at least 2 epic fuck-ups with the speed skating. One competitor disqualified for listening to an apparently confused coach, as to which lane he was to be skating in. Which I ask, who's at fault? The racer, who's been practicing and knows where he's supposed to be (in that tight ass spandex) sprinting along the ice? Or, the coach, who's been training olympic skaters for decades, and knows where everyone is supposed to be? I mean, I understand getting caught up in the moment, and both guys are trying to maintain some composure, and not to totally just go ballistic. The coach is just kind of taking it, but even the awarded-medalist admitted that it was the racer's fault for forgetting.

The other Speed Skating incident, the kid didn't have his phone on, so he missed the race. Yes, he was the 1st runner up, should someone drop out of the race, so he wasn't INITIALLY supposed to be on the ice. BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! You've been training probably more than you've been sleeping for years. You've made it to the Olympics. You are the 1st runner up. FUCK! If I was the 4th runner up (which ironically IS who competed), I would have been suited up, ready to go, jumping on the bench like the kid from The Sandlot and the MadTV UPS guy's love-child. "Put me in coach, I'm ready!"

But, no. The kid had his phone turned off. His sister couldn't even find him. Everyone was looking for him. For the love of god, tell me he was fucking or solving the cure for cancer. If he was at least creating the gift of life, or practicing with whomever he wanted to, then he almost has an excuse for missing that kind of opportunity.

How many people have fucked themselves up on the slopes? Skiiers, Snowboarders. You have showboating going on as soon as they realize they fucked up. Hell, you've got medal awarded athletes showboating after the events are done. Can you blame the kid for using the medal as a phallic inuendo? At the bar? Celebrating? The Stanley Cup winners drink champagne from the trophy itself. Soccer players strip and streak through the field after winning amazing goals. A snowboarder takes funny photos with his medal, which we all know he invested more into than probably anything else he's ever done. I'd be fucking with that medal attached to my neck for a year. Maybe he's just setting the new standard; don't bite the medal to make sure it's real, fornicate with it and really spread that love.

Everyday that I pull up the news, I seem to see some other pitfall with the games. Unfortunately, another death, this time an XGames contender, C.R. Johnson, passed away. I get it though, to be the best, you have to push the boundaries of natural physics and sanity. I commend the Olympic committee for starting to return some of the sports to minimal enhancements, such as the return to speedos, plain speedos, for swimming, not the dolphin-NASA supersuit that repels more water than oil.

I know that there's a bit more finesse necessary to compete in the winter games. You are typically hurling yourself at un-natural speeds, through terrain and environments that were never meant for life to experience. No living thing can only live in snow and ice, right? Not that I know of. Some have adapted to it, but typically everything avoids the frozen air, and especially the slick surfaces that try to kill you. We, in our infinite wisdom, designed products that not only glide and thrive on them, but speed up, and give Darwin really something to think about.

I only found it somewhat fitting that the Russians entered the Opening Ceremony arena, dressed like they were Team NASCAR. I'm hoping that none of them crash, but let's be honest, most of the viewers nowadays, are looking for that epic disaster, that pumps adrenaline into all of us alike.

On that note, I'm out. I'm heading up to Big Bear this weekend, and hitting the slopes. Something about the winter and especially watching and hearing about the games, that makes me really miss and need to strap my board on, point down the mountain, and shred some gnar.